Thirty.

How Far Along: 30 weeks.  I cannot believe we have reached week numbers that start with "3".

Total Weight Gain: 2.5 pounds this past week - AGAIN.  My body really hates me.  I even felt like I ate less this week because every time I eat I get so full that I can barely move.  It's like I eat an apple slice and I can hardly breath because I'm so full.  Sam is taking up way too much room in my belly for me to put a whole lot of food in there.  Ughhh...29 pounds total.  I now have cellulite on the front of my legs.  Vom.  If nothing else, I guess I will be more than motivated to train for a half marathon next year!

Maternity Clothes: I should look back on my blog and see how many weeks ago it was that I had to buy new, bigger pants, because I'm there again.  Maybe this time I will just buy 2 sizes bigger so I don't run the risk of my ass and thunder thighs outgrowing that size too in the next 2 months. 

Sleep: At this point I'm really wishing we would have bought the mattress 3 months ago.  I think I've reached the point where it doesn't matter what I'm laying on, I just don't sleep for more than an hour at a time.  Saturday morning I woke up at 5:45 to pee because Sam was kicking my bladder and I couldn't fall back asleep because my back hurt so bad.  I laid in bed and cried for about 15 minutes thinking "how am I going to do this for 10 more weeks?  It's Saturday morning and I'm awake before 6am for no reason."  I didn't want to wake Jake up so I went down to the couch and cried some more and tried to fall back to sleep for about an hour until I just gave up.  Silver lining - at least it wasn't 3am.  I woke up and cleaned a little bit until Jake woke up around 7:45 and we started our day.  I guess I can kiss sleep good bye for the next year or so.  I will be a functioning zombie until this time next year when (hopefully) Little Miss is sleeping most of the way through the night and I don't have a large belly causing enough back pain to make a Marine cry.

Sam's Things:  No showers or gifts this week, and I haven't been shopping, so here's a picture of Callie trying to look so fetch in my fake Burberry scarf.  Happy Monday!

Best Moment this Week: Most definitely my parents' Halloween party was the best moment this week.  There is nothing I love more than seeing 20-somethings all the way through 60-somethings dressed up in ridiculous costumes and doing shots off of my parents' island in their kitchen.  Although I had to refrain from any adult beverages this year, I was highly entertained for a good 6 hours.  I can't lie, I'm already looking forward to next year.  Here we are as a disco dancer and a disco ball (I'm loving the sideburns):

Shout out to my Jessica H's: what it do baby, it's the ice man Paul Wall, got my BUMP lookin somethin like a disco ball.

A close second best moment this week would have to be our tour of Christ Hospital on Saturday morning.  The RN that did the tour was really great, the birthing center is really nice, and just being there and hearing her go over everything really calmed some nerves.  Not to mention the fact that just being in the hospital and thinking about the fact that the next time I'll be in one of those rooms we'll be meeting our babe for the first time made us both a little emotional.  I definitely needed that after the emotional breakdown I experienced earlier that morning.

Movement: Everything I read says that I should be tracking her movements and that there should be "active periods" throughout the day, but tracking movement just sounds like way too much effort.  Until my doctor tells me to track them, I'm just going to go about my business letting her kick me in the ribs and bladder for the next 2 months.  I have to admit it's really weird when we push on the upper part of my belly and can feel a child, and then down low by my bladder I can feel pressure inside of my body, like it's obvious we are pushing her down. 

Food Cravings: Like I said before, I've kind of reached the point where I really can't eat too much in one sitting because Sam is taking up too much room in my abdomen for me to really fill up my stomach a whole lot.  It's Halloween this week, I imagine I'll probably eat a few hundred Twix and Reese Cups before the week is over.  See previous rant about fat ass and thighs for clarification of this disaster that is my diet.

Symptoms: Word for word from my BabyBump app: For many women, as your due date approaches, it's a common and very normal time to feel more emotional than usual.  You'll experience more frequent mood swings, and very likely some anxiety over the coming baby and the new responsibilities that lie ahead.  Your body is working hard to carry oxygen and nutrients to your baby and your diaphragm will be pushed up by your still expanding uterus, causing you to feel short of breath.  That pretty much sums up my last week: Can't breathe. Want to cry all the time.  Moving on.

What I Miss: Sitting in the same position for more than 20 minutes without feeling uncomfortable. 

What I am Looking Forward to: My momma and sister are throwing a shower for me and Sam this weekend, so I'm really looking forward to seeing a bunch of family members and close friends.  Besides, who doesn't love cake and shower food?

Exercise: I did okay last week.  I walked on Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  Tuesday I did Pure Barre with my sister.  I would just like to note that I am not a walker.  My legs get all itchy and tingly and my hands swell like the Pillsbury dough boy.  People say all the time how much they hate running, well I hate walking for exercise as much as those people hate running.  I'll continue to do it until I get unpregnant so I don't gain 5 pounds a week instead of a whopping 2.5, but know that I am doing it begrudgingly and that I miss running SO MUCH.  The only thing that makes it tolerable is that I'm usually walking with a good friend or family member, so the company is always enjoyable.

Noteworthy Items:

-I have reached the point where I am completely OVER being pregnant (as if I wasn't over it the first week I found out I was knocked up).  However, I am in this limbo state where I'm done being pregnant and I want this baby out of me, but I do not feel prepared to be responsible for another human being.  I repeat: I DO NOT FEEL PREPARED TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.  Yikes.

-On that note, I hate being pregnant so much that I am already concerned about how the hell on God's green earth am I ever going to do this again.  Can I get a surrogate?  I guess I'll just have to cross that bridge when I get there.

-My legs are so fat and I am so uncomfortable, that I can no longer cross my legs.  I have been crossing my legs as long as I can remember (I have the spider veins to prove it - if you buy into that sort of thing).  So every time I sit I try to cross my legs but then realize that I am far too swollen (if that's what you want to call it) to do that.  It sucks and adds to the discomfort factor by a whole buttload.

-While I am not excited about the "Frankenstorm" that is currently pounding into the northeastern part of the U.S., I am so glad it's not 80 degrees anymore.  My growing self does not enjoy wearing short sleeves and baring my cottage cheese, ahem, I mean legs.  Now if we could just do mid 50s to mid 60s instead of 45, I would be happy.  Mother Nature is a sad, sorry, whorebag.

-The mother of one of my dear friends is in the hospital because of some crazy reaction to her flu shot and they are having trouble figuring out what's going on, so any extra prayers that can be offered up for her and her family would be much appreciated.  Love you JH!

Twenty-Nine.

How Far Along: 29 weeks.

Total Weight Gain: 2.5 pounds this past week.  I'm up to 26 pounds total (I knew I would blow my 25 pound limit this week).  I'm on track to gain about 45 pounds which is not exactly what I had in mind.  Yikes.  Maybe the bigger Sam gets, the less food I'll be able to put in my stomach?  Bahahaha!

Maternity Clothes: At first I was all blah about maternity clothes and then when I bought elastic maternity pants I was like OH MY GOD THESE ARE THE BEST THINGS EVER and now that I've been wearing them for a solid 3 months I am back to feeling very blah.  I can't fit into any of my own sweatpants comfortably, so I have lovingly adopted Jake's XL men's sweats to lounge around the house in.  Also, I wear the same shirt about 4 times a week.  So if you see someone with big boobs and a burgeoning belly in a white V-neck and skinny jeans and you feel like you can smell them from a mile away, it's probably me in my shirt that I wear more often than I wash.  Sorry I'm not sorry.  I miss my wardrobe, and I'm starting to miss zippers and buttons on my pants. 

Sleep: I'm definitely sleeping better because of the mattress, and waking up with less back pain than I did with the old mattress we had, but I'm still not sleeping great.  I find myself really tired during the day, but then  I'm up until 1:00am because I can't fall asleep when I get to bed.  Maybe it's a subconscious thing, but it's like my body knows I have entered the third trimester and my already low comfort level has dropped to a newer and worse all-time low.  January cannot get here soon enough.

Sam's Things:

Best. Bib. Ever.  Thanks MS and AB :)

Cute booties that I am too lazy to figure out how to turn right-side-up.  Thanks KC :)

Monkey hats!!  Thanks WM & DA!  Sam is ready to go :)

 

Enough bows to last for her first few months.  Thanks MH and CH :)

"Monkey Butt" onesies.  Thanks MawMaw & PawPaw and WM!  She is all set :)

I love that this Monkey Butt nickname is going to follow her into her life outside the womb.  With parents like Jake and me, the child has no chance of being calm and subdued - Monkey will be the perfect nickname!

Best Moment this Week: Last week wasn't a fabulous week for me.  That's not to say I was depressed or pouty or any of that jazz, but I was coming off my high of being off work for a week with my cute husband.  Sadly it was all about being back to the grind and just getting through the week.  Unfortunately, I used to get through the week looking forward to our fun plans on the weekend or unwinding with a glass of wine (or 6) on Friday after work.  More often than not it seems now I don't really look forward to the weekends anymore.  For example: Friday night I painted our kitchen while Jake was at the Highlands/Elder football game.  Joy.  My kitchen looks pretty fab, but I can't say that was the most fun Friday night I've ever had.

Movement: She must have changed positions or something because I am still feeling movement, but it feels very internal.  There aren't many kicks and punches and rolls on the outside of my belly, it's more like I can feel her kicking my bladder or whatever other organs are in there and close enough for her to jab.  Doc said last week that we should start seeing some limbs and movement on my belly but if her butt is facing out then I guess maybe we won't.  The thought of that still freaks me out a little bit so if she stays in this position until her grand entrance then I won't be too sad.

Food Cravings: Note to self and to any other poor pregnant people out there, do not fail your 1 hour glucose test.  On Friday I had to go over to Christ Hospital to take the long, drawn out, prick me 7,000 times and drink that nasty nasty juice again test, and it was just as miserable as I imagined it would be.  The good news is that I talked to the doctor's office today and I do not have gestational diabetes.  THANK YOU JESUS.  Bring on the cake, ice cream, donuts, cookies, carbs, and anything else that's unhealthy.

Symptoms: I have reached a new life low.  Today at work I went on a walk with MS at lunch.  It was kinda warm here today, unseasonably warm for late October.  I changed back into my work clothes and got back to my desk and when I got there I realized that I was rocking some major swamp ass.  Oh yes, ass sweat in my work pants.  Is this real life?  Have I really reached the point where I am wearing gray maternity pants and I am unable to get up from my desk because I have two marks of ass sweat where my cheeks meet my legs?  Bossman, "Jessica can you come here for a minute?"  Jessica, "Nope, I have ass sweat, need to ride it out for a hot second before I get up from my chair."  I don't get embarrassed very easily or very often, but this is one of those situations where if I saw someone with ass sweat in dress slacks (pregnant or not), I would be judging judging judging.  So here I am, the knocked up girl with ass sweat who everyone is judging.  Maybe next time I'll take a picture to share.

What I Miss: Walking somewhere without my thighs rubbing together.  Truth hurts.

What I am Looking Forward to: My parents' super fun Halloween party this weekend.  It's typically one of the most fun nights of my year (getting dressed up and taking tequila shots totally reminds me of college date parties, and who doesn't love a great date party).   This year will probably be a LOT more low key for me, but I'm sure I will still enjoy all of the costumes.  I will try to live vicariously through everyone else and just look forward to next year.  Anyone available to babysit a ten month old on the Saturday closest to Halloween 2013?  Momma will be ready to party.

Exercise: This was another not so super great week in terms of exercising (which supports my personal theory that once you get out of a routine it is so freaking hard to get back into one).  However, I did do Pure Barre on Tuesday and walked with my momma on Sunday.  Here's hoping this week is a little better than last.  My arms look like the Michelin man and my legs are turning into soft squishy cottage cheese.  Add a big belly to that and I am a picture of sexiness.  I can't imagine how Jake can possibly keep his hands off of me.  SIKE.

Noteworthy Items:

-I have found that I have become the pregnant lady who wants to complain about how fat her ass is and how she can't believe she's gained 26 pounds already, but at the same time doesn't want to admit that her caloric intake has probably doubled since she found out she was pregnant.  Hello Jessica, you don't get to eat poptarts, Skyline, cheeseburgers, milkshakes, and french fries and wear size 4 maternity pants.  It doesn't work that way.  Skinny people, whether pregnant or not, don't eat that kind of food on a regular basis.  I hope you enjoy it while it lasts, fatty, because next year your days will consist of egg whites, chicken, broccoli, and salads (with no ranch or cheese).  This binge eating ain't gonna last forever.

-I totally went on a girl date with MS tonight.  We saw Pitch Perfect and I highly, highly, highly recommend it.  If you have ever (or still do) like Glee, the Sing-Off, or any other kind of musical entertainment that involves covers or mixes of popular songs, then this movie will most definitely entertain you.  Not only that, but the humor is righteous and it keeps you laughing the whole time.

-Can anyone else even believe it's October 22nd?  Where in the heck did this year go?  I saw a Target Christmas commercial the other day - get out of here!!!

-I have noticed that everybody's favorite question for a pregnant woman is "how are you feeling?"  Now I know that people are just trying to be nice and ask about how things are going, and I truly do appreciate that you at least act like you care.  I'm sure I'm guilty of asking every previous pregnant woman I ever saw how she was feeling because I had no clue what the F else to ask them.  Followed by the "I'm doing fine" always comes the "you didn't get sick or anything?", which for me is followed by "Nope" followed by "oh yeah you are so lucky" as if throwing up/being nauseous is the only horrible thing that a pregnant woman goes through.  I am making a vow right now to never ask another pregnant woman how she is feeling.  I don't know what I'm going to say instead, but it's going to be something that's going to make her laugh, and that doesn't make her feel like she is a whiny ass because she doesn't like being pregnant even though she didn't get morning sickness.  Let's face it, being pregnant SUCKS.  And as a first time mom who doesn't know the joy of having your own little mug to snuggle every night, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Luckily for me, I have great parents who have shown me over the last 27 years that being a parent truly is a fabulous thing, and that's what's gotten me through the last 6 months and what will get me through the next few.

Twenty-Eight.

How Far Along: 27 weeks

Total Weight Gain: I gained 2.5 pounds over the last two weeks.  I'm up to 24 pounds total.  Next week my 25 pound limit will officially, officially be out the window.  As long as I don't get super fat face until late December, I will be fine with this.

Maternity Clothes: No clothes shopping this past week, but I did buy some new make-up at Sephora during our staycation while Jake stood outside of the store and acted like his life was ending because I spent "so much time in there".  Scarves are my new favorite accessory - they cover up my huge knockers while also providing some warmth and pizzazz to an otherwise fairly boring maternity wardrobe (can you say "I love to wear the same outfit 3 days in a row because it's comfortable and looks kind of cute and I don't feel like doing laundry").  I will say that although I spent some pretty pennies at Rosie Pope earlier in my pregnancy, the money was well worth it.  I have gotten a lot of wear out of each of the pieces I bought, and I get a lot of compliments every time I wear them.  For a pregnant lady who feels like she's waddling around flashing her double chin to everyone, a compliment on her clothes can be a great thing.

Sleep: With the exception of last night (I did not sleep a lick last night probably due to the impending first day back to work after vacation), I would like to do an infomercial for the adjustable old people hospital bed and memory foam.  The first night we had the thing delivered I felt like I was sleeping on a cloud.  I woke up and literally felt zero back pain.  The bed and adjustable frame were more than worth the money and I am so glad we did it.  I really do think it will provide years and years of a good night's sleep and less back pain.  I am in love.

Sam's Things:  Obviously we know Sam is a girl so I feel like this whole "gender" category is lost on me now.  I'm going to make this a category of things we bought her or things other people bought her so that I can keep track of who gave her what as I continue to lose my mind from sleepless nights.  I can't include everything or I'd be posting pictures all day every day, but here are some picture worthy things from the shower on Saturday:

Yes, this is another adult outfit for a little person.  Thank you LR!

Sam's monogram that we hung last week, the crib mobile from LR, and a quilt from Aunt Kelly.

I should have added this a long time ago, a rocking horse made by Aunt Kelly while in college :)

Super cute rocking chair from the Herde ladies and an elephant from France from JVDS!

 Best Moment this Week: I certainly cannot pick one best moment from this past week because my entire week was super awesome.  If you are one of those people (like me) that gets annoyed by other people gushing over how much they love their partner in crime, then I suggest you stop reading now because you will probably proceed to vomit.

I had the best week with Jake.  I want to bottle it up and save it forever, because I know it was the last time in our lives we will spend extended time together as a family of 2.  I've always known that I wanted to be a mom, and after I fell in love with Mr. Right, I knew I wanted him to be my baby daddy.  However, after 12 years of being a couple (read TWO people), it's pretty weird to think that it's never going to be just us ever again.  I know everybody says that once you have your kids you can't even remember what it was like before you had your kids, but I find that pretty hard to believe.  We have made so many great memories together and I will certainly cherish those forever, even after sweet Sam makes her worldly appearance. 

This past week we went shopping for golf clubs, a mattress, makeup, and our glider.  We went to a pumpkin patch and carved pumpkins together.  We got a couples' massage.  We painted the guest bedroom together and rearranged the furniture.  We went to 2 Reds games together and watched 5 in total (even though they demonstrated that they are apparently the ultimate choke artists, I echo Jake's perfect facebook post from after Game 5 - I always have been and always will be a proud Reds fan, even if I can't consciously remember a postseason win in my lifetime).  We spent time with some of our dearest friends on the planet, and did some things around our house that need to get done before Miss Thing gets here.  The older I get, and the more I learn about marriage, the more thankful I am that I found someone that I actually enjoy spending time with.  I'm totally one of those "let me ask Jake if we have plans" people because there's really nobody else I'd rather be with than him.  This past week was so wonderful.  It flew by very quickly, and we didn't do anything epic, but I'll remember it forever. 

Movement: She is really only active at night.  I'm a little worried that her active time periods are an indication that she is going to be a night owl.  My mom assures me that if I stick to my guns with the sleeping patterns when she gets here that it won't take long for her to adjust.  Mother knows best :)

Food Cravings: Food.  Food.  Food.  Food.  Food.  Food.  Food.

Symptoms: Still no fun symptoms like thicker hair, slightly bigger feet, or glowing skin.  Just your regular old thick blond beard, cartoonish boobs, chronic back pain, fat ass, and double chin.  Also - it's getting semi-difficult to pull on socks and boots.  Jake is going to need to be my right hand man for that for the next two months.  Just as much as I'm not giving up my heels until it's 150% necessary, I am absolutely NOT giving up boots either.  Boot-a-holic.

What I Miss: Being a single occupancy human, period.

What I am Looking Forward to: Getting through this work week without wanting to shoot myself in the foot.

Exercise: As I could have predicted, I worked out a whopping ZERO times during our time off.  I guess it's good I wasn't sitting at a desk all week and not working out, but the lack of any kind of physical activity is probably going to catch up to me during my first workout this week.  Yikes.

Noteworthy Items:

-To the litle asshole punks who creepily walked onto my porch and stole two of my pumpkins that I went to a pumpkin patch with my husband to pick out and carved and painted with my husband during our last vacation as a family of two, I hope you're pleased with yourself.  You caused a pregnant lady to have a complete emotional breakdown (we're talking 20 solid minutes of sobbing in the shower) on Sunday morning because you destroyed the one thing I felt I had to show from our fabulously unproductive week off.  Those pumpkins were on my porch for a mere three days before your sorry ass stole them.  You do realize that you stole my property and then proceeded to vandalize it, breaking not one, but two laws.  You are a creep and I hate you and I hope you fail all of your midterms. 

The cute display before the assclowns stole our pumpkins.

-Callie has miraculously stopped limping.  Of course she stopped after we ordered the ankle brace for her, but I am just happy we have hopefully avoided the surgery.  We're going to keep the brace in case she starts up again, but I'm going to keep hoping and praying that she has made some sort of miraculous full recovery.

-My friends threw such a wonderful baby shower for me and Sam on Saturday.  I am eternally grateful for the friendships I made while I was in college, and for the effort we have all made to stay in touch with each other since we finished school.  I'm pretty impressed with us for remaining as close as we have for 5 years while we've been scattered around the midwest.  Thank you thank you thank you all for a wonderful party and for the adorable gifts for our little babe.  She is going to have the best aunts in the whole world and I am so blessed to be able to bring her into a world full of love and support from such great people!  Jake and I both love all of you more than you know!

Fabulous and adorable cake made with love by AW and MH.  Thanks lovies :)

-I have made it to the third trimester.  We went to the doctor today and everything is still looking good.  The doc said she is a small baby (fine by me and my lady parts), but that it's okay that she's small.  We heard the heartbeat again and it sounded stronger than ever.  I absolutely cannot believe that we have less than 3 months to prepare to be parents forever.  Commence: freakout mode.

Twenty-Seven.

How Far Along: 27 weeks

Total Weight Gain: ???  I'm off work this week which means I'm staying off the scale.  If I remember to do it one morning when I wake up, then good for me.  If not, then I don't care!

Maternity Clothes: All of my stuff currently still fits, but I'm thinking at some point I'm going to have to buy a few more work shirts.  I'm hoping I can just pull off a tank or t-shirt with a cardigan though.

Sleep: We finally ordered a mattress!!!  WOOOOOOO!!!!  This is me jumping up and down with excitement!  WOOOOOOO!!!  We got the Mattress Warehouse brand Sensa foam with an adjustable base (yes, the ones that you see old people using on the commercials or in hospital rooms).  But I'm telling you, it's like sleeping on air.  The "zero gravity" thing is no joke.  It's supposed to be delivered on Tuesday so next week I will have a full report on the awesomeness that is our new mattress.  Thanks to my wonderful husband for being an excellent negotiator and getting us a good deal.  If anyone is interested in buying a mattress go to Mattress Warehouse on Montgomery Road and see John.  He was really great to work with - no pressure, super friendly, and very knowledgeable.  The best part about our new mattress/pillows/base/mattress cover combo platter: it's all made in the U.S!  I love 'Merica.

Gender: We got some super cute stuff from friends and family this past week but if I'm being honest I'm way too absorbed with the Reds and my time off right now to take pictures of it and post it on here.  I'll do it next week :-)

Best Moment this Week: Mine and Jake's five year anniversary was Saturday.  We spent the morning shopping for Jake's new golf clubs and our rocker/glider (more on that later).  Then we hung out and watched UK get their butts kicked in the afternoon.  Saturday night we went to Carlo and Johnny for dinner and it was so yummy.  We have now hit up all of Ruby's restaurants and have never been disappointed.  After dinner we came home and watched the Reds stick it to the Giants in game 1 of the NLDS.  Hopefully Tuesday we'll be getting our brooms out at the game for the big sweep!

Movement: Little Miss is still super active.  She gets really feisty right before I go to bed and she has actually kept me up in the middle of the night a few times because she's moving so much.  Sunday night while we were watching NLDS game 2, I felt her like move across my belly and it totally freaked me out.  I told Jake it was like a train wreck, I couldn't stop feeling it but I was so skeeved out at the same time!  I have definitely come around from the whole being totally weirded out by the movement.  I now understand the comfort of knowing she's okay in there.

Food Cravings: Still nothing in particular.  I continue to eat like Jabba the Hut, and pretty soon I will probably look like him.  oh.freaking.well.

Symptoms: I'm hoping with the purchase of a new mattress that my back pain will stop.  I don't have any new wonderful super symptoms to report - just the same old same old pregnancy symptoms that me and every other pregnant woman in the history of time are SICK OF at this point in the journey to motherhood!

What I Miss: This past week with all of the Reds games, my anniversary, and an entire vacation week looming over my head, I miss day drinking.  HAHA.  I am such a wannabe college student.  I want to have a beer at 10am okay?!?!

What I am Looking Forward to: My bestest friends are having a shower for me on Saturday in Lexington and I can' wait to see everyone.  Every weekend with my college friends/sorority sisters is something I always fiercely look forward to.

Exercise: Monday I worked out at the gym at lunch.  I actually ran into the trainer who teaches that class I used to go to and he sarcastically asked how my bike riding was going.  Thanks for rubbing salt in an open wound.  Riding an exercise bike royally sucks and I'd much rather be in a fun class with fun music, a cool instructor, and familiar faces.  Such is life.  Tuesday I went to Pure Barre with my sissy (still felt like a fat cow, still feels way harder than when I'm not preg).  Thursday I walked after work.  So three days - not too great, not too shabby.

Noteworthy Items:

-As I mentioned before I did end up picking out my glider on Saturday.  We went back to Treehouse Kids Co. and I picked out one that was still super comfortable but not nearly as expensive as the one I initially fell in love with.  It's Best Furniture's Storytime Series Braxton chair.  I got it in a coal color with white circles on it, so I'm hoping it will go really well in the nursery.  I ended up getting an ottoman too because it was pretty inexpensive and I figure I can use it when I need and push it to the side when I don't.

-Callie went to the vet on Wednesday and the vet recommended we call the orthopedic specialist after another week if she's still limping.  Jake and I did some poking around online and we found a neoprene ankle brace for her that the vet said couldn't hurt, so we went ahead and ordered it.  Hopefully with some more immobilization we can avoid a $2,000 dog surgery.  Yikes.

-We successfully spent about 7 paychecks over the weekend with the purchase of our anniversary presents (thanks for the necklace and the boots babe), Jake's golf clubs, the glider for the nursery, new makeup for me and the mattress.  This is me cutting up my credit card and not shopping for the next 3 months unless my belly forces me to.

-I'm promising myself and whoever else likes reading this blog that my post next week will be better and will be on my normal Monday night time.  Being out of a routine is fabulous, but it's throwing me off!

Twenty-Six.

How Far Along: 26 weeks

Total Weight Gain: 21 pounds.  Yikes.  The self-imposed 25 pound limit has officially been tossed out the window.  WTF-EVER!  As long as I can get it off next year, for now I officially do not care.

Maternity Clothes: I ordered new work pants.  21 pounds later the original maternity size I bought do not fit my ever-growing arse anymore.  They were delivered today...and thank God because I'm running out of dresses to wear to work without repeating the same dress within the week.  I did some damage at Loft on Friday with their 40% off sale.  Maybe my new fabulous jewelry will take the focus off of my fat ass and thunder thighs.  I snagged some super comfy "skinny" jeans (I highly recommend the cheap-ish Heidi Klum brand instead of the $130 jeans the sales associate so graciously pointed me to originally) and some maternity tights since it's starting to get cool (yay fall!).  I feel as though "skinny" and "maternity" do not really belong in the same sentence but you know, they are jeans I can tuck into boots.  I took some of my boots to get stretched too, because my swollen calves have zero chance of fitting into the shaft of these already tight boots.  Fingers crossed that on Friday when I pick them up they have been stretched a good inch around.

Sleep: I think my belly is finally big enough now that not only does my back hurt because my boobs are huge and it can't handle holding them up anymore, but when I'm laying on my side, gravity is pulling the weight of my belly toward the mattress, causing more pressure on my back.  I already have about 75 pillows in my bed trying to support different areas of my body, pretty soon Jake is going to be demoted to the guest bedroom due to "no room for you because pillows have taken over our bed."  I think this weekend we'll probably go back out and look at mattresses and make a decision about the memory foam.  People either love them or hate them, there is no in between, so here's hoping if we buy one I end up being one of the people who loves them.

Gender: MS bought the cay-uuuutest little cheetah shoes for Sam-monkey.  She is going to rock them so hard!

Aunt Kelly bought her a cute striped little onesie too.  She is going to be one fashionable little baby:

Best Moment this Week: I had several great happenings this past week.  I had a great time shopping with MS on Friday after work.  As I previously stated, I did some damage at Loft and had a great time shopping for regular people clothes vicariously through her.  The absolute best part of my week though, was getting a call from a dear friend about some great news in her life.  I love experiencing exciting things with people that I love, and it made my week!  As if all of that wasn't great enough, most of my favorite TV shows started last week!  Good-bye productivity, hello couch-sitting! 

Movement: Over the weekend Little Miss Sam became very active.  Sunday night she was putting on her very own Gabby Douglas style floor routine in my belly.  I have determined that she loves ice cream and it makes her dance :)  I'm done reporting on the fruit and veggie comparisons because they are SO DUMB, but they say my uterus is now the size of a basketball.  Considering the now very noticeable size of my belly, I can't say I'm surprised.

Food Cravings: We went to the grocery store on Sunday and started prepping food for the week.  We forgot one ingredient for one of our meals, and I refused to go back to the hellhole that is Newport Kroger, so I had Jake drop me off at Remke.  Not only is Remke not crowded at all, but they have those iced animal cookies with the rainbow polka dot sprinkles on them.  I can't find these things anywhere, but I know Remke has them!  You bet your sweet behind I trekked down that cookie aisle and bought a bag.  I am relishing all $3.79 worth of that tiny bag of them.  Wooo!

Symptoms: I am starting to notice some slight swelling in my fingers occasionally.  It's not an every day thing, but one morning last week I woke up and could hardly get my rings off before my shower.  For now I'm blaming it on the humid weather but soon that won't be an excuse anymore.  In case anyone was wondering, my back still hurts and my boobs are still huge.

What I Miss: Smaller jugs.  My friends who are also members of the big-titty-committee will vouch for me on this: I will never understand why anyone in their right mind would ever "enhance" their breasts to anything larger than a B cup.  The thought of having to go to the store to spend another obnoxious amount of dough on an obnoxiously sized bra makes me want to upchuck my iced animal cookies.  Seriously people, buy a push up bra and some chicken cutlets and save yourself some backache, literally.  I would give my left pinky toe for a B cup right now.  Any takers?

What I am Looking Forward to: Five work days until a 9 day staycation and our five year anniversary.  I can't believe we got married five years ago.  It really does feel like such a short amount of time has passed, I guess it's true that time flies when you're having fun.  I feel so blessed to have met the love of my life when I was only 15 years old, I know not everyone has such incredible luck and timing.  If 15 year old me knew what 27 year old me knows, she may have done 17 laps around her parents house before our first date instead of the mere 3 she did screaming about how excited she was that Jake Donelan was coming to get her.  We have so much fun together and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life continuing to have a blast with him (and Sam)!  He is truly my soulmate and I would undoubtedly be lost without him.

Exercise: I actually really stepped up my game this week.  On Monday I walked at lunch.  Tuesday I did the arc trainer and the rowing machine at lunch, and then went to Pure Barre with my sissy after work.  Thursday I walked after work, and Saturday morning we hit up Pure Barre again.  All I have to say about Pure Barre is that if you think it is hard when you're not knocked up, wait until you try it when you are.  Not only that, but if you ever felt like a fat cow next to all the skinny bitches in the class before you were knocked up, wait until you stand next to those same skinny bitches when you are.  Oh well, at least it's a good workout.  Moving on...

Noteworthy Items:

-I super love getting people's opinions about all things baby, because let's face it, I don't have the slightest clue what the eff I'm doing.  I don't really do kids in general, so this is all brand new to me.  However, I now have no clue what to about the ottoman/glider debacle because so many people have made so many good points about buying one and not buying one.  I need someone to just purchase something for me so I don't have to make a decision.  Anyone with some extra $$$$ laying around that's willing to give it up for a glider, let me know.  Please, and thank you.

-Poor little Callie Bear went to the vet again last week and the doc said her foot looked good when they switched her splint the week before.  She said to try to leave the splint on until her appointment this week, but that if it started slipping or smelling that we could go ahead and cut it off.  Callie must have gotten in a fight with mud because by Friday night the thing was hardly pink anymore, it was just covered in brown dirt so we cut it off.  The swelling has definitely gone down, but my poor little muffin is still pitifully limping around the house.  I am hoping it's just stiff and she needs some time to work it out, but we'll have to wait and see what the vet says on Wednesday.

-Even though I did fulfill a certain shopping need on Friday, I have decided I need to stay off of pinterest and away from any shopping establishment.  The bigger my belly gets the sadder I get that I cannot partake in all of the usual fall fashions.  I know it's not a BIG DEAL, but I want some colored skinny jeans okay?!?!  I just don't want to spend money on colored skinny jeans I'm going to wear once every 2 weeks for 3 months.  No thank you!  I want to wear a pencil skirt and look good in it, not like a big huge pregnant lady waddling through the halls at work thinking she's hot shizzz but really looking like a beached whale.  This is me throwing a pity party for myself :(

-Note to anyone with a garbage disposal.  Do not put chicken fat in your disposal while you are making dinner unless you want your kitchen to look like this for more than a day:

I can't use my sink, so those are dirty dishes.  Yum.  After 3 hours of snaking, draino-ing, and whatever else Jake and my dad tried, it was still clogged.  Thank the Lord my parents have a friend who's a plumber, we owe him a beer, or ten.

-I met my co-workers adorable month-old twins on Friday, and I can safely say that I finally have baby fever (yes I am six months pregnant and finally caught it).  Holy explosion of cuteness in a double stroller!

-I spent most of my weekend sans make-up.  Let me just say that there is zero chance on God's green earth that I will ever be one of those people that can go "au naturale" on a regular basis.  Without at least a little tinted moisturizer and some mascara, I look like I got hit by a bus.  And I'm not talking a short tailgating bus, I am talking a full on Justin Bieber sized tour bus.  First of all, there will be NO pictures taken in the delivery room without my make up on.  And second of all, I don't care how tired I am, Sam can be put in a baby carrier on my back for 5 minutes in the morning before I leave the house so I can look like I came from the land of the living and not from Michael Jackson's Thriller video.  Yes, I'm a diva.  And I'm sincerely sorry you had to look at me all weekend, Jake.

-When I was growing up I was always like "Mom, why do you always have to worry about me?"  It was like it was annoying knowing that she was worried about what I was doing when I just knew everything was going to be just fine.  Well, welcome to motherhood, Jessica.  I am already in a constant state of worry about this little monkey in my belly.  I'm worried that my incessant amounts of sugar intake are going to turn her into a hyperactive toddler, or that she'll come out and need some sort of medical attention, or that she's going to get picked on when she's in grade school, or that she is going to end up with (gasp!) Jake's nose or my toe-thumbs!  I can't help it and I can't stop.  I guess I will just have to get used to living in a constant state of worry-wort.  Maybe that's just called being a parent?

-Along those same lines, I've noticed over the last several years that time seems to "fly by" more than it used to.  But these last few months have absolutely gone at lightning speed.  One minute it's 2:15 on Friday, the next minute it's 9:30am the following Tuesday.  It's incredible how it seems like yesterday I was having breakdowns about my life as I know it being over, and now I can't wait to meet this little booger!