All of that being said, I'm starting to get a lot of anxiety and apprehension about delivering this baby. I don't really have a whole lot of emotions about my c-section with Sam. I was fully prepared for the possibility of a c-section from the start of that pregnancy since my mom delivered all 3 of her kids via cesarean. At our 20 week ultrasound I had a partial placenta previa and she was breech at the time, so I had a pretty strong suspicion that there was no way she was coming out naturally. After her IUGR, low fluid, and frank breech position was confirmed repeatedly through the last 6-8 weeks of my pregnancy, I had just accepted that she was going to be cut out of me and there wasn't really anything I could do about it. Healthy baby - that's all I cared about. I could take care of myself and my recovery later. The procedure itself wasn't bad, and it certainly wasn't "traumatic", which is a word I see thrown around a lot with regard to c-sections. I didn't like that my arms were strapped down like I was being crucified, or that Jake (not me, not the ONE WHO GREW HER IN MY BODY FOR THE LAST 9 MONTHS) got to hold her for the first 30 minutes of her life while they sewed me back up, but other than that I felt like it was a pretty peaceful procedure and I don't have any regrets about it. I feel a little cheated that I never felt a contraction, but by the same token I think my experience had to have been infinitely better than someone who went into labor and pushed for hours on end only to have their abdomen cut open because the baby just wouldn't come out for whatever reason. In the end, I had a pretty good experience. And now that Sam is a thriving healthy 3 year old, I really couldn't care less how she got here. I just care that she's here, she's healthy, and she steals my heart every day.
However, this time around feels infinitely different. This time I have a 3 year old to worry about, not just a 6-8 pound baby. This time I know what the recovery was like. This time I know how my abdomen continued to feel sore during every workout 6-8 months post-partum. This time I know how hard it was to go up and down stairs for several weeks after. This time I know how hard it was to do any kind of physical activity for quite some time after I delivered her. This time I think I'd really like to avoid being cut open again if I can.
But then there's all of this uncertainty. Are those stats about stillbirth risk increasing at 39 weeks with SUA really true? I can't be induced because of my previous c-section, so if I haven't gone into labor on my own by 39 weeks am I putting her at risk by waiting it out? Who can even begin to know what stats and information you can trust these days? It seems like everybody has an agenda... My doctor says he's on board with a VBAC, but is he really? My doctor has been delivering babies for a long time (he delivered me for goodness sake), so I feel like I should trust him above anyone else. But then there are all of these naysayers out there who say you shouldn't put so much trust in your doctor. Then again, why? Why did I choose him as my doctor if I don't trust him 100%? I like to think my body is pretty strong, and I'm pretty sure I could physically get through a fairly long and hard labor if I had to just because of my physical strength and endurance. But am I setting myself up for hours of labor and contractions only to end up with another repeat c-section, leaving myself with more exhaustion and body trauma than I would have had otherwise? Would I be better off just scheduling another one and foregoing all of this uncertainty and anxiety?
I guess all I can do at this point is drop to my knees and pray. Let go and let God. I don't know much, but I do know one thing: I am just about ready for all of this to be over and ready to be holding a healthy pink baby in my arms.
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