Creepy

I hate snakes.  Like, I literally cannot even look at them on a TV screen without squirming in my seat and covering my eyes.  Don't even take me near the reptile house at the zoo, or I will pee my pants.  I'm not sure why the universe hates me so much, but it obviously really does.  How else do you explain the snake stories I am about to share!?!?

The day I found out I was pregnant with Sam, my friend Megan was staying at my house because she was doing work with a client in NKY.  We went to eat dinner downtown the day I had taken my positive pregnancy test.  We walked out of our garage and down to the car that was parked down on the street.  Megan looked up at our porch and said "Why do you all have a fake snake decoration on your porch on that plant??"  I promptly yelled at her "I DO NOT HAVE A SNAKE DECORATION ON MY PORCH WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?"  Megan, Jake, and I all looked up at the porch and saw a snake basically slithering up the side of my house by my front door (I just gagged and shivered as I typed that).  Jake had to run next door to borrow a tool from our neighbor.  They picked it up with a shovel and took it up to the backyard and did GOD KNOWS WHAT with it.  It was dead and gone, that's all I cared about.


Fast forward 3 years to July 2015 - I head upstairs to go to bed around 10:15 while Jake is still messing around on the computer.  I get to the top of the steps and close Sam's bedroom door, which is right across the hall from our master bedroom.  I turn to go into our bedroom and I see a weird shadow on the doorframe to our room.  I think to myself, hmmm that is a weird shadow, it kind of looks like a snake.  Thankfully, before I actually walked into the room, I flipped the hall light on.  There it was, curled up like an S vertically around the doorframe, a damn snake ON THE SECOND FLOOR OF MY HOUSE ON THE DOOR OF MY BEDROOM.

I ran downstairs as fast as my little legs could carry me and promptly began to hyperventilate while standing on my dining room table.  Jake could hardly understand what I was saying between my hyperventilating and crying.  Jake hates snakes as much as I do, so by the time he made it up the stairs with a golf club to check out the situation, the snake was not there anymore.  I was obviously terrified that the snake was in Sam's bedroom strangling her to death or something awful, so I made Jake go back upstairs to get Sam out of her room.  Being the strapping, brave, fearless dad that he is, he stood on the steps and pushed her door open with his golf club and called to her from the stairs to get out of her bed to "come to Daddy, hurry up!"  After she was downstairs safe and sound with us, I called my dad and texted my neighbor (thank you Jason and Audra for coming over with your straw-ber-itas and catcher's mask) and they came over to try to find the snake.  They searched for about 15 minutes to no avail.  Gone.  Loose in my house somewhere.  Puke.

We ended up packing up our stuff and staying at my parents house for a few days before we worked up enough courage to go back and sleep in our house.  We paid animal control to come find the snake, they could not find it.  It's been 3 months and we have never seen it again, but don't think for a second that I don't check my doorframe every time I walk into my bedroom.

The point of this whole long, drawn out story, is that I find it 100% creepy and disturbing that one week after I saw the snake, I took a positive pregnancy test.  Not only that, but the day I took the test, I was heading to Louisville for my friend Megan's wedding (Megan is the one who was at my house when I found out I was pregnant with Sam)!  This is too creepy to be coincidental.  Why couldn't puppies and Megan be my sign of pregnancy?  I must have some really bad Karma...